Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
