I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
