Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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