9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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