i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
