I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
