You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
