Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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