Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
