Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
