i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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