I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
