How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
