What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
