My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
