i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
