someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
