i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
