I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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