Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
