Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
