Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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