you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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