Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
