Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
