My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
