it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I could make wine with my vomit
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize