So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
