I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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