I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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