Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
