I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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