Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
