dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
