Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
