I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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