My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
