First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
