Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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