she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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