I cut my penus on the lid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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