for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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