I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
