Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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