He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
