I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
