I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
