i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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