I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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