Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
