he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
