If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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