woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found the puke drawer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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