o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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