I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
