I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My cat gives me a boner
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
