how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
