bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
