I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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