Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
