I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize